the last few days..

Needless to say, the last couple of days have been super hard on me. This post is going to be pretty long, so I'm just going to forewarn anyone who is reading this.

So, I got back from Tooele Thursday night after being there since Tuesday. Pretty much a lot has been going on. As everyone knows who's been reading my blog or has me on Facebook, Josh passed away. Honestly, I didn't think I would take it this hard cause we hadn't talked in SO long. But my mind hasn't been off of him since it happened. I've had this pit in my stomach and it just makes me super sad. :( I had to pick Phillip up from Provo on my way to Tooele and it was a pretty crazy ride there. I found out quite a few things that I didn't know and it was interesting, to say the least. We got to Tooele and we met Sam at Jim's to eat. My favorite place in Tooele. :) I loved spending the day with them! They're two of my best friends in this world, and since we're all going through the same thing right now (obviously me and Sam aren't as bad as Phillip) we can all be there for each other and make each other smile. :) I love my friends.

Wednesday was the day of the viewing, but I decided not to go that night. Sam was going with Kristi and Kirsten was supposed to go with me but that didn't end up happening, so I just stayed home and decided I would say goodbye to Josh before the funeral the next day. Phillip came over that night at like, 11 and didn't leave til 1:30 in the morning. I'm glad I can help him out by giving him someone to talk to in his time of need.

The next morning Alyssa called me and asked if I wanted to go to lunch with her and her baby sister, Shaybree. We ended up going to La Frontera, which I haven't been there in FOREVER, so I'm glad we went. But it wasn't as good as I remember it. After lunch, I went straight to the funeral. I was an hour early or so, so no one was really there yet besides the family. I found Sam and Kristi and gave them both a hug and sat down. They had a beautiful slideshow playing for Josh of his life. He was so happy in all of the pictures... From a baby, all the way til recently. The pictures that made me smile the most were the ones of him and Brooklyn. She loved her daddy so much... I just wish he would've known that.

After watching the slideshow, I went to find Phillip who was in the room that Josh was in. Phillip was seated in the back, so when I sat down I could only see a part of Josh's face... I immediately started crying. It's one thing to see an "old" person like that, someone who has lived their lives and it really was their time to return to God, but it's quite another to see someone so young lying there, their life not even begun yet. Phillip held my hand as we walked up to Josh's casket and I started crying even harder. He didn't even look like himself in there... But what do you expect? I've never seen a friend like that. When Jordan died, the line was way too long to even get a glimpse of him. Which I was sort of grateful for. So Josh is my first friend I've actually seen like this, and sadly I know it won't be my last.

Josh's service was beautiful. So many people had such nice things to say about him. I wish he knew how loved he really was and that he could've come to ANYONE in that room, and we would've done anything we could've to help... There were so many people there for you, Joshy. We all love you and miss you very much. :( I'm so grateful to call you my friend and I know you're in an amazing place right now. I love you.

Xoxo.

day 2!

Post your favorite song and write why you like it.

K so as of this moment, my favorite song is "What The Hell" by Avril Lavigne.

I like it cause of the beat and the lyrics are pretty on key, too. ;)

So, today was Josh's viewing. I was going to go with Kirsten but she ended up ditching me, so I decided not to go. I feel uncomfortable going to them anyway so I just told Phillip to come over to my house after if he needs to. Which I think he's going to. He's doing as well as he could be, but he's acting so strong. I'm so proud of him. I mean, everyone handles their grief differently, but I love that he's not this depressed person 24/7. He has his moments, which he should, but Josh wouldn't want him upset all of the time. Anyway, today has been a pretty hard day for me as well. I really missed my family, so I'm glad to be home. But it doesn't feel the same to be here. I feel like I have no friends. I hate sitting at home with nothing to do. Blah. Whatever, I just have a big hole in my tummy today. :( I hate it. I hope everyone else has had a good day, though.

Xoxo.

day 1!

I have such a pathetic life that there would be no point in me having a blog unless I did 30 day challenges so here's another lol.

Day 1- Write about your best friend.

Lane Joseph Kirby. The love of my life. He's my support and I can talk to him about anything that's on my mind and he listens and understands. He messes up sometimes, but not everyone is perfect. Love you, Laney.

Xoxo.

R.I.P. Josh Austin!

A few days ago, an old friend of mine passed away. It was such a shock! I seriously couldn't believe it. My day was going normally as usual, until Katelyn text me and asked me if I had Brigit (his sister) as a friend on Facebook. I was like, "Yeah, why?" Katelyn asked if Josh had died or something and I said I didn't know, but I'd call Sam to find out because Sam is best friends with the girl who is having Josh's second baby.

So, I call Sam and no answer. I think nothing of it until Phillip texts me that night while I'm trying to go to sleep. Phillip and I talk often, but he rarely texts me that late. It was like, 10:30 my time so 11:30 his time. Pretty much Phillip had asked me if he could have me for a day when I come home in May cause he needs a hug. Of course I ask him what's going on and that's when he tells me. "Josh is dead. He hung himself this morning." At that moment I instantly started bawling. I woke Lane up hysterically crying. I had no idea what to do.

Josh and I hadn't talked for a while, but the summer of 9th grade Phillip, Josh, Alyssa and I were pretty close! We hung out quite a bit. No matter how long you go without talking, it's always sad to hear one of your friends have passed away. For me, this is two friends in six months. :( A little too much at one time.

While I am way sad about Josh, I am SUPER concerned about Phillip. He's my best friend and his brother just died. How does someone handle that? I'm going home tomorrow to be with him for the funeral, but it's just hard to be there for someone through something like this. I just don't know what to say to him to make him feel better. I know being there for him is the best thing to do so that's what I'm doing. I just worry that I'm not doing a good job.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that Josh is very loved and missed and I wish he could've talked to someone about his problems instead of doing this. :( I know there was a better way out. Rest in peace buddy, we love you.

Xoxo.

day 30.

What you're looking forward to.

I'm looking forward to losing more weight, going home in May for Jenni's baby shower, Easter, having Ali's baby shower in June and my birthday in November haha. :)

Xoxo.

day 29.

What you prefer to write with.

Definitely a pen! Sometimes I have the urge to write with mechanical pencils, though haha.

So, today is day four! Yesterday a girl I work with told me I already look skinnier in my face haha. Which is good for me! I feel like I look a little different as well. My tummy already looks a LITTLE skinnier, unless I'm just psyching myself out lol. I decided I'm going for my weigh in on Tuesday, cause that's my day off. So that's when I'll know how much weight I've lost! I'm excited!

I'm nervous to go to work today, because I have to ask for a week off in May. I already talked to one of my bosses about it and he was a little skeptical. It sucks, cause my dentist is still in Utah so I have a dental appointment on May 2nd and then Jenni's baby shower is on the 7th. So like, I need to be in Utah. If I can't get the whole week off, I hope I can move my dental appointment to June and still get the weekend off for Jenni's baby shower. Ahh.

Xoxo.

day 28.

The most recent dream you remember in detail.

Haha this sucks.. Cause lately, I haven't been remembering my dreams. I usually do, too! So I guess this is a waste of  a post lol.

Today is day three of my diet. :) Yay. I never feel hungry! Exept for right now, so I'm going to grab something to eat.

Xoxo.